Burnt

I'm not sure what I'm thinking, really, except ...

That I'm pretty concerned about what I should do with this old piece of gum. I've been chewing it for hours now. Between you and me? It's true lifespan was only about 15 minutes.

There aren't any trash cans nearby and I don't want to spit it on the ground. It's too hard and chewed to cause any potential real damage. It won't stick to a shoe or attach itself to a picnic blanket. A bird wouldn't even be able to fit it in his beak. He'd probably mistake it for a rock anyway. It won't get tangled up in anyone's hair.

I just feel bad for leaving it there on the ground. I mean the dandelions don't want it. I'm sure the cloverleaf won't care. I just don't feel comfortable leaving behind something so unwanted. So I stick it to the cap of my water bottle and will tend to it later.

I've got better things to do.

Two days, no phone calls and all I care about is getting a goddamn suntan. It's important to me for some reason. As if a tan clearly conveys how much more light and vibrant my life has become now that he isn't in it. As if a little cast of colour will spell out all the confidence there is inside me. As if it represents that little voice my heart is saying, that "I'll be fine without you."

As if a little trace of a tan line peeping from my shoulder spells out, "Don't plan on getting any closer. Don't think about coming back. Yes, I have fun without you. Yes, I laugh and smile and think funny thoughts. I dance around the house in my underwear singing "The Gambler" while I cook dinners that are all vegetables. I don't even think twice about whether there's any protein, pasta, or potatoes.

My pink tipped nose does more than say, "Oops, I missed a spot with my sunscreen." It reveals how bright my future is without you. It shows how much more I have to see, experience, and accomplish. It says, "I stayed out too late last night, I flirted with your friends, and then I went and got 3 a.m. pizza with mine."

It says, "I don't need a beach - or some chickenshit of a man to be happy and have a good time." It says, "Stay away from me, Mister. I am done."

I mean, doesn't everyone know that a sunburn is the universal sign for "Eat shit and die, motherfucker. I don't need you anymore?!?"

Okay. Maybe not.

With my outsides so glowing and my insides not showing, I can do this much better without you ever knowing ... that I'm pissed. And yeah, maybe I'm scared. And that I just need to get this whole thing over with. It can do all this without me ever saying a word.